I just read your first story on your project page, "The Helpful Jackal". I remember reading this story for your story project a few weeks back. I think I noticed some changes you made, or maybe I had a different experience this time around. However, I felt more connected to the characters in the story. You conveyed their emotions and thoughts very well, I was never confused on how someone might be feeling about the situation. I also really liked the spin you placed on the moral. Instead of a focus on the trickster personality, you focused on how helping people can produce good feelings in all involved.
Did you consider adding more detail about Jake's experience with his siblings. Maybe you could add that they were extra annoying at home after Jake was already bummed. Maybe they did go along on the adventure until something happened and made his friends even more frustrated. These situations could really highlight Jake's anger and give the reader a more clear picture of how he got into his mood, not just why. Really great story, I can see why it is one of your favorites!
Hi Destiny, I felt connected to this story because I am one of the. younger siblings so this happened all the time with my mom and dad. I felt that the first few paragraphs started out strong, but then you started to lose me throughout the end. Having never read the previous story it kind of got away from me as to what the actual story was. There could be deeper visual details into what was happening and how a reader should perceive the characters throughout the story as well as details of what is happening. Something I suggest is to begin with a lot of detail you won't have to worry about it towards the end because it is already done. Nice job overall, I connected to this story and. that is one of the main goals of a writer is to connect readers to stories. Keep writing these kinds of stories.
Hey, Destiny! I really liked this story, especially since I am doing a similar theme in terms of a storybook plan. I thought this was a really heartfelt story that was a lot of fun to read, and I am glad that I got the chance to read this story! I am very excited to see how this story progresses through the weeks, and I am even more excited to see how the final outcome looks whenever the storybook is totally complete. I thought that the story was very strong, the overall plot was chock full of detail and excitement. It was a generally pretty easy read, and could stand to have a few extraneous details and dialogue, if you chose to go that route, but overall, I really truly loved this story. Like I said, I am really interested to see where your storybook is going to go, and I think you are on to a great start. Best wishes, Mikayla
I just read your story you posted about Jake the Jackal and I really felt that you and I have a similar writing style when it comes to story telling and overall creativity. I first wanted to point out that I really enjoy reading stories that have to do with an animal and a human interacting with each other, in fact most of the stories I have written so far have the same kind of style. I also wanted to tell you that I really like your way of communicating creative details throughout the narrative. The story about Jackie and Bennet was very fun to read along with and it reminded me of some of the readings I did in weeks 3 and 4 about different tales where one character had to figure out a riddle and if they answered it wrong, bad things would happen. I really enjoyed how Jake was able to get over how bad his day had gone and realize that his day could have been much worse. I think this is a very common theme throughout the many stories that have been presented to us this semester. I cant wait to read more of your stories throughout this class and see if our styles remain similar or end up changing.
Hi Destiny, Great job on your post! I really enjoyed reading the original and the retelling of this story in your own way. I liked how you did everything in the Jackals perspective . You told the story very well and the moral of the story was a sweet read. It makes you think that the problems you face could always in fact be worse. Sometimes you have to think in that perspective to get out of a funk. I like that Jake ended up realizing that his situation isn’t that bad. I think this story was a great intro story for your storybook plan! It’s a nice read over all and it felt like it flowed very well! I honestly don’t have much feed back for you! Keep up what you're doing and have an awesome rest of the semester! I cant wait to keep up with your other stories you choose and the changes that come with them!
I read your first story, and I had a fun time looking at it. I liked how you referred to the "Jackal" character as Jake and showed some of his life prior to the incident with the tiger. It gave me some insight into his character, and I like how you had him go through an arc of change at the end when he realized he shouldn't be upset about his mother.
I only have a few suggestions, because I love your story. One thing I would say is you should describe your characters. Readers want a face to put to the names, and it helps them keep up with the story. Also when you have Jake think (like when you say "He thought"), you need to put the thought in italics. It helps the reader realize it's internal, and it's not narrative or dialogue.
Hi Destiny! I just finished reading both of the stories in your project and I really enjoyed them. I could definitely tell you are a mom even from the fist story because of your storytelling style, it felt like I was a kid hearing a story from my mom right before bed. I don't know if that was the aesthetic you were going for, but I really liked it. As for the writing itself, I did notice some inconsistencies in the narrator point of view, like in The Curious Child, there is one moment where you say "we waited" rather than "he waited," so I would just recommend you go back and read it carefully so that you can catch those minor mistakes. Aside from that my only recommendation is about organization/style. I know you are doing a portfolio instead of a storybook so you actually are not doing one theme, but I think it would be great if you integrated all of your stories under the idea of you telling a story to your son. Of course this isn't necessary, it is purely for fun, but I thought it would be cute because I liked your second story so much, also think how excited your son would be knowing that you dedicated your project to him, you could call it Stories for AJ or something like that. Anyways, love your stories and can't wait to read more!
I read both of your stories and they were both a lot of fun! I like how you use a lot of dialogue in your writing, as this is something that I enjoy doing when I write as well. I think it helps give the characters much more personality, which makes your stories much easier to follow. While this may not be intentional, I can definitely sense themes of family and knowledge in both of the stories you've written, which fit well with your writing style.
While both of the stories I read were good, I liked your second story the best. I've read many stories in this class that follow the "sage relaying stories/wisdom of the past to the new generation" trope, but it was really fun to see it actually written in a way that a small child would be able to comprehend. The prompt and ending were very realistic too. Kids can definitely be weird and just kind of spout random questions out sometimes and be very insistent on getting an answer, but also not really want a lecture. I found the "you can turn the cartoons back on now" line to be very realistic and funny.
Overall, great job on these and I'm eagerly awaiting your other stories!
Hey Destiny! I commented on your blog last week for your first story, and like I said, I really enjoyed the story! I am glad to see that you added a new story and (I think) have made some revisions to your introduction. I really enjoy your writing style, like I said last week. That certainly has not changed. I like that we have really similar themes, I am doing Aesop's fables and rewriting stories about dogs, check it out! I agree with Antonieta about how you ought to organize. I think that she has a really cute idea to link all of your stories together. I am really excited to see where your entire portfolio is going to go since we have similar things. I have taken some creative inspiration from you to use in my story for next week! As a whole, you have done a wonderful job, and I am glad that I got to revisit your page to see how it has changed. Best wishes, Mikayla
Your second story was so fun to read! The perspective you took was very original and added a personal touch as well. I think you did a great job at telling the story in a way a child would be able to understand. However, I would be careful with those sentences in which you go into greater elaboration. They tend to be very long and there were a few grammatical mistakes I noticed. I also enjoyed the ending as it is so typical of children. They ask you to explain something so complex and you really try to do it justice, but then they just brush it off and move on to the next thing. Your creativity really shines on this project and it is a joy to read. My only suggestion is to just be super picky and cautious when you reread your final product before posting. The revision process is also super helpful as others can catch things you thought you had explained well. This is a great project... keep up the great work!
I really enjoyed your two stories that you have published thus far! I love how in the first story you gave all the characters names. This made them so much more relatable than the original, in my opinion. The story is very similar to the original, but this twist makes it unique and personal. Jake the Jackal is an awesome name! And the name Bennett is not a name I would have thought of using - but it worked perfectly.
I loved how modernized the second story was. The use of Google was especially brilliant! Google is such a simple part of our life and made the story more relatable to me. I honestly feel like I might do the same thing if a curious child asked me a question like this. I also enjoyed how at the end he was like can we watch cartoons now. So cute! I can't wait to see the spin you put on your other favorite stories!
Hi Destiny, I am here to comment on your second story. I love how our stories are so similar. Yet, all I can think right now is how all the tiger stories relate to Joe Exotic and Tiger King. Something I think would help your second story would be to make sure and read it and ensure there are no errors. I know I am terribly bad about proof reading because by the time I write it then attempt to proofread, I am tired. I truly get it. I really enjoy your story overall and think you could even expand more if you wanted to and go into greater details. I think you did a great job on your second story.
Hi Destiny!
ReplyDeleteI just read your first story on your project page, "The Helpful Jackal". I remember reading this story for your story project a few weeks back. I think I noticed some changes you made, or maybe I had a different experience this time around. However, I felt more connected to the characters in the story. You conveyed their emotions and thoughts very well, I was never confused on how someone might be feeling about the situation. I also really liked the spin you placed on the moral. Instead of a focus on the trickster personality, you focused on how helping people can produce good feelings in all involved.
Did you consider adding more detail about Jake's experience with his siblings. Maybe you could add that they were extra annoying at home after Jake was already bummed. Maybe they did go along on the adventure until something happened and made his friends even more frustrated. These situations could really highlight Jake's anger and give the reader a more clear picture of how he got into his mood, not just why. Really great story, I can see why it is one of your favorites!
Hi Destiny,
ReplyDeleteI felt connected to this story because I am one of the. younger siblings so this happened all the time with my mom and dad. I felt that the first few paragraphs started out strong, but then you started to lose me throughout the end. Having never read the previous story it kind of got away from me as to what the actual story was. There could be deeper visual details into what was happening and how a reader should perceive the characters throughout the story as well as details of what is happening. Something I suggest is to begin with a lot of detail you won't have to worry about it towards the end because it is already done. Nice job overall, I connected to this story and. that is one of the main goals of a writer is to connect readers to stories. Keep writing these kinds of stories.
Hey, Destiny!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story, especially since I am doing a similar theme in terms of a storybook plan. I thought this was a really heartfelt story that was a lot of fun to read, and I am glad that I got the chance to read this story! I am very excited to see how this story progresses through the weeks, and I am even more excited to see how the final outcome looks whenever the storybook is totally complete. I thought that the story was very strong, the overall plot was chock full of detail and excitement. It was a generally pretty easy read, and could stand to have a few extraneous details and dialogue, if you chose to go that route, but overall, I really truly loved this story. Like I said, I am really interested to see where your storybook is going to go, and I think you are on to a great start.
Best wishes,
Mikayla
Hi Destiny,
ReplyDeleteI just read your story you posted about Jake the Jackal and I really felt that you and I have a similar writing style when it comes to story telling and overall creativity. I first wanted to point out that I really enjoy reading stories that have to do with an animal and a human interacting with each other, in fact most of the stories I have written so far have the same kind of style. I also wanted to tell you that I really like your way of communicating creative details throughout the narrative. The story about Jackie and Bennet was very fun to read along with and it reminded me of some of the readings I did in weeks 3 and 4 about different tales where one character had to figure out a riddle and if they answered it wrong, bad things would happen. I really enjoyed how Jake was able to get over how bad his day had gone and realize that his day could have been much worse. I think this is a very common theme throughout the many stories that have been presented to us this semester. I cant wait to read more of your stories throughout this class and see if our styles remain similar or end up changing.
Hi Destiny, Great job on your post! I really enjoyed reading the original and the retelling of this story in your own way. I liked how you did everything in the Jackals perspective . You told the story very well and the moral of the story was a sweet read. It makes you think that the problems you face could always in fact be worse. Sometimes you have to think in that perspective to get out of a funk. I like that Jake ended up realizing that his situation isn’t that bad. I think this story was a great intro story for your storybook plan! It’s a nice read over all and it felt like it flowed very well! I honestly don’t have much feed back for you! Keep up what you're doing and have an awesome rest of the semester! I cant wait to keep up with your other stories you choose and the changes that come with them!
ReplyDeleteHey Destiny!
ReplyDeleteI read your first story, and I had a fun time looking at it. I liked how you referred to the "Jackal" character as Jake and showed some of his life prior to the incident with the tiger. It gave me some insight into his character, and I like how you had him go through an arc of change at the end when he realized he shouldn't be upset about his mother.
I only have a few suggestions, because I love your story. One thing I would say is you should describe your characters. Readers want a face to put to the names, and it helps them keep up with the story. Also when you have Jake think (like when you say "He thought"), you need to put the thought in italics. It helps the reader realize it's internal, and it's not narrative or dialogue.
Good job! Can't wait to read more!
Hi Destiny! I just finished reading both of the stories in your project and I really enjoyed them. I could definitely tell you are a mom even from the fist story because of your storytelling style, it felt like I was a kid hearing a story from my mom right before bed. I don't know if that was the aesthetic you were going for, but I really liked it. As for the writing itself, I did notice some inconsistencies in the narrator point of view, like in The Curious Child, there is one moment where you say "we waited" rather than "he waited," so I would just recommend you go back and read it carefully so that you can catch those minor mistakes. Aside from that my only recommendation is about organization/style. I know you are doing a portfolio instead of a storybook so you actually are not doing one theme, but I think it would be great if you integrated all of your stories under the idea of you telling a story to your son. Of course this isn't necessary, it is purely for fun, but I thought it would be cute because I liked your second story so much, also think how excited your son would be knowing that you dedicated your project to him, you could call it Stories for AJ or something like that. Anyways, love your stories and can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteI love this idea!! I am going to look into incorporating this. Thank you :)
DeleteHey Destiny,
ReplyDeleteI read both of your stories and they were both a lot of fun! I like how you use a lot of dialogue in your writing, as this is something that I enjoy doing when I write as well. I think it helps give the characters much more personality, which makes your stories much easier to follow. While this may not be intentional, I can definitely sense themes of family and knowledge in both of the stories you've written, which fit well with your writing style.
While both of the stories I read were good, I liked your second story the best. I've read many stories in this class that follow the "sage relaying stories/wisdom of the past to the new generation" trope, but it was really fun to see it actually written in a way that a small child would be able to comprehend. The prompt and ending were very realistic too. Kids can definitely be weird and just kind of spout random questions out sometimes and be very insistent on getting an answer, but also not really want a lecture. I found the "you can turn the cartoons back on now" line to be very realistic and funny.
Overall, great job on these and I'm eagerly awaiting your other stories!
Hey Destiny!
ReplyDeleteI commented on your blog last week for your first story, and like I said, I really enjoyed the story! I am glad to see that you added a new story and (I think) have made some revisions to your introduction. I really enjoy your writing style, like I said last week. That certainly has not changed. I like that we have really similar themes, I am doing Aesop's fables and rewriting stories about dogs, check it out! I agree with Antonieta about how you ought to organize. I think that she has a really cute idea to link all of your stories together. I am really excited to see where your entire portfolio is going to go since we have similar things. I have taken some creative inspiration from you to use in my story for next week! As a whole, you have done a wonderful job, and I am glad that I got to revisit your page to see how it has changed.
Best wishes,
Mikayla
Hi Destiny!
ReplyDeleteYour second story was so fun to read! The perspective you took was very original and added a personal touch as well. I think you did a great job at telling the story in a way a child would be able to understand. However, I would be careful with those sentences in which you go into greater elaboration. They tend to be very long and there were a few grammatical mistakes I noticed. I also enjoyed the ending as it is so typical of children. They ask you to explain something so complex and you really try to do it justice, but then they just brush it off and move on to the next thing. Your creativity really shines on this project and it is a joy to read. My only suggestion is to just be super picky and cautious when you reread your final product before posting. The revision process is also super helpful as others can catch things you thought you had explained well. This is a great project... keep up the great work!
Hi Destiny!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your two stories that you have published thus far! I love how in the first story you gave all the characters names. This made them so much more relatable than the original, in my opinion. The story is very similar to the original, but this twist makes it unique and personal. Jake the Jackal is an awesome name! And the name Bennett is not a name I would have thought of using - but it worked perfectly.
I loved how modernized the second story was. The use of Google was especially brilliant! Google is such a simple part of our life and made the story more relatable to me. I honestly feel like I might do the same thing if a curious child asked me a question like this. I also enjoyed how at the end he was like can we watch cartoons now. So cute! I can't wait to see the spin you put on your other favorite stories!
Hi Destiny, I am here to comment on your second story. I love how our stories are so similar. Yet, all I can think right now is how all the tiger stories relate to Joe Exotic and Tiger King. Something I think would help your second story would be to make sure and read it and ensure there are no errors. I know I am terribly bad about proof reading because by the time I write it then attempt to proofread, I am tired. I truly get it. I really enjoy your story overall and think you could even expand more if you wanted to and go into greater details. I think you did a great job on your second story.
ReplyDelete